i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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