its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Can you bring me the toilet please
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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