i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
