you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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