someone owes me an orgasm
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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