Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
