Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I need to stop coming to work sober
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
