is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize