Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize