I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
