She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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