They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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