Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
