would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize