finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
