If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
