I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize