ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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