i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
