You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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