So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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