I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
