Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
where does the pee come out of this thing
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
