dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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