his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
