hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
