remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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