My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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