the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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