dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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