Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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