somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
