I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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