So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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