I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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