the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
