how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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