I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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