I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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