Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my being single is dangerous.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
