the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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