i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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