My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
