I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
