Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
