I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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