Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
