Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
