I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
