My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
