I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize