Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
