What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
