Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
