Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
If its not for food we ain't going out.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I know her cup size but not her name....
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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