I'm passing your future prison.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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