he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
barbara walters just said penis...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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