I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
