Where did you get a picture of my penis
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
