I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
